Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Built Up Thoughts & Feelings.

My friend Justine posted a video on her blog that we watched at a saturday evening church service called "Space." I wanted to pass it along here, because it has such an important message.

"Space" has been a really good place to worship, think about topics we haven't thought, and openly discuss our feelings about them. I've been a little reluctant to open up because I get so emotional when I stand up in front of people to say something, especially talking about spirituality and my walk with Christ. But I know there will be a time when I won't let my emotions take me over, and something will come out of my mouth.
I've always been more of a listener. I like sitting and listening to all of my friends talk when we're in a big group discussion. Sometimes it helps me to take everything in, instead of worrying about what I want to say.

I've got a little on my mind, and I just wanted to share. Some is bad news, some is news that I don't know what category to place it in.
This past week I got the news through an email that I didn't get a job I had been working at for 2 months at a physical therapy office. They felt my experience level wasn't where it needed to be in order for me to work beside with them as a massage therapist. As disappointed as I was, I agree with their decision. But this doesn't mean that I don't believe in myself as a good massage therapist. Since I graduated in April, focused on the wedding day, and getting ready to move my whole life thousands of miles across the U.S., I haven't had the focus to dive deep into massage therapy. This has been very hard for me, transitioning from living in MO to CA, being married, and leaving everything and everyone back home that I know and who were a part of my daily life. When I began pursuing the PT office, I was excited, because it seemed too surreal to be true; to work in a clinical setting, and use the Neuromuscular therapy I had learned. But I have been dragging behind on studying and haven't immersed myself into massage therapy like I had hoped. I had a lot of thoughts of " Am I ready for this?...I've never done this before...I feel like I am not ready."
Am I disappointed in myself? Yes. Do I think I could have done something different? I don't know. The past 4 months have been so different for me than what I have been used to. Some days I don't even want to leave the apartment because I don't want to accept the fact that I am unfamiliar with my surroundings and the people.
But the last month or two have been better. I have made friends who I know care for me, and encourage me. I want them to know how thankful I am for them, and the effort they have put into our friendship, even on days when I feel like I am not giving as much to them.
I just need a place to feel like I belong; a job that I go to, to make money, and that I feel productive and a place where I can serve others with love.
I haven't really had that. Maybe I'm not satisfied enough to be making dinner for my husband every evening, but at times that is one of the most important things to me in the day because it is when I get to serve and love and give.
I want to get outside. I haven't been to the beach in a few months. I feel close to God there, I feel free and most in His presence.
Lately I have found happiness through making crafts. Headbands, jewelry, a wreath, etc.
I know I am creative, and that I have a lot of ideas I'd like to carry out. I dream of selling my work on Etsy, and actually making a good amount of money off of my creativity. It's been a dream of mine lately, more than massage therapy, and I've been asking myself, "Is this okay?"
It's not that I don't love massage therapy, and that I don't see myself doing it, but I feel like I have been discouraged so many times with it while being in CA. It's hard to feel like I am good at something, that keeps failing.
I will not give up on it. But in this moment, I need to make something; I need to let my creativity take the wheel, and I need to do something productive and meaningful with it.
Maybe it's the safe thing to do, maybe it's the right thing to do. Is it selfish? I ask myself this question a lot. But I am not exactly sure. It feels right at this time, and I feel like it is God's direction in healing my heart before I can go on.
I have decided and discussed with my patient husband, that I would like to get a regular job, maybe Michaels craft store, and save money for a massage table, and supplies. I would like to start in home massage therapy, where I go to client's homes and give them treatments.
This all feels good to me, but I want Christ to lead me.
I can feel Him this morning tugging on my heart.
It's nice to feel pulled into loving arms.

Romans 5:1-5: Results of Justification
1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope, 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

John 5:30:
30"I can do nothing on My own initiative As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is just, because I do not seek My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.

Love & Peace,

1 comment:

Justine said...

Hey girl, I have so much confidence that God IS, indeed, leading you. I will say it again that I am thankful you are in Santa Barbara and if there is one reason (there are so many more) you are here, it is to be a loving, new friend to myself and so many others. Thank YOU for everything and know that you are always in my prayers. I look forward to what God has in store!